


Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down (But Not For Forever)

by Aeraki



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 15:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19428817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeraki/pseuds/Aeraki
Summary: “His only fault was to love too much." One-shot.





	Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down (But Not For Forever)

" _Life is full of constant ups and downs, and all I ask for is redemption in the end." - Robin Thicke_

* * *

The first thing Ashfur realizes when he reaches StarClan is how _clear_ and _free_ his mind feels (it feels so good that he almost cries in relief).

The second thing Ashfur realizes when he reaches StarClan is that he is somehow actually _in_ StarClan (after all he's done how was that possible?).

And the third thing Ashfur realizes when he reaches StarClan is how _selfish_ and _foolish_ and _stupid_ he had been (he's ashamed to look back on it all).

Really, he thinks, he should have just let Squirrelflight go. He should have seen how she and Brambleclaw looked at each other, and he should have let her go.

But how could he have? He once loved her; how could he just _give_ that up?

Ashfur scoffs. When he looks back, maybe he did seem a little bit insane. And the _voices..._ He pauses. When had the voices come? He remembers having them as clear as day, but the memory of them is submerged in a thick, drowsy fog in his head.

Perhaps, he wonders, perhaps the first root was planted when Brindleface was killed - _when his mother was murdered in order for Tigerstar to gain power._

After she had been _made bait_ to the pack of vicious dogs.

While Ashfur doesn't remember her death so vividly (did he ever see her body?), or what she looked like, or her purr, or her voice, he does remember the grief. The sheer grief and the _anger,_ the absolute _hatred._

Because to him, a young apprentice, it wasn't clear how could someone (and he had looked up to Tigerstar!) just go and murder someone, for the sake of nothing but power.

(He still doesn't truly understand; maybe that's why he never aspired for leadership)

In hindsight, he thinks that he really shouldn't have bottled up all that anger.

Nobody should ever carry that much of a burden. He wonders why he never talked to anybody; not his father Whitestorm, not his sister, Ferncloud, not even his mentor, Dustpelt.

He knows what he told himself: Whitestorm was grieving and distant, while Ferncloud and Dustpelt were mooning over each other (he's still surprised he made it to being a warrior with Dustpelt ignoring him half the time).

It was all so simple and all so complicated at the same time.

If Brindleface had lived, Ashfur wonders, would she have been able to guide his love for Squirrelflight? (Was it ever really love? Or just cruel infatuation?)

Maybe, he thinks, she would have taught him the boundaries, taught him as a mother always should. He knows she would have, had she been there.

For certain, he knows his mind hadn't _quite_ been right even when he had first fallen for Squirrelflight. It probably knew something that he hadn't.

But the voices...the voices had begun after Squirrelflight had gone with Bramblestar on the quest to find Midnight.

They were always there, never gone. They would whisper soft words:

_You'll only impress Squirrelflight if you keep her safe._

_You'll only feel better if you can lure Firestar into a fox trap._

_Squirrelflight will stay with you if you can prove nobody will mess with you._

He knows he shouldn't have listened to them.

He supposes that he had been managing all right until the last straw came: he was assigned Lionblaze of all cats as an apprentice.

Lionblaze: one of the kits of Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight.

Lionblaze: a brilliant fighter, who turned out to be part of a prophecy.

Lionblaze: who was really not a good match for him in any way.

Well...that didn't make it right to take his anger out on his apprentice, or to neglect him.

Or to threaten him or Squirrelflight or Jayfeather or Hollyleaf.

He realizes that now.

Ashfur spends his time staring down at one starwater pool. It shows the going ons of the clans: specifically, his clan, ThunderClan.

He watches Ferncloud die protecting her kits. (He is the one to bring her to StarClan)

He watches Hollyleaf bleed out in front of her mother. (When they see each other, they weep and mourn all that they have done to each other.)

He watches Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw (Bramblestar, now) grow old, and their kits in turn.

He watches as new generation becomes the face of the clans.

And when Squirrelflight's time comes, he walks alongside Hollyleaf to welcome her into the afterlife. (They are something akin to friends, now. It will always be awkward and tense between them, but it is better than nothing, he thinks.)

One by one, he makes amends with the ones he has wronged. Some don't ever accept his apologies, but most do.

(Jayfeather is one of those few. He can't bring himself to blame the blind medicine cat, not even a little bit.)

Surprisingly, Ashfur finds that he's okay with that.

And when at last Lionblaze is ready to join the stars, Ashfur and Squirrelflight go together to fetch him.

When the golden warrior sets his gaze on him, they seem to reach an understanding of sorts.

"I'm sorry," Ashfur whispers, and it is the truest thing he thinks that he has ever said to his former apprentice. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through."

"Me, too," Lionblaze answers, and his eyes shine with unshed tears.

They are silent for a moment, and Ashfur can't think of anything else to say to him.

"You really were a great mentor, you know," Lionblaze says, quietly.

He scoffs, sensing the lie. "No, I wasn't. You know that, and I'm fairly sure everybody else knows that too."

His former apprentice pauses. "Well, maybe not in the normal way," he admits. "But I wouldn't have been—well, me—without you being my mentor."

Ashfur is touched.

They chat for what seems like eternity.

And slowly, they begin to make up.

He wouldn't ever call them friends, but for Ashfur, he is content with just being forgiven.

And in his head, he can hear only eight words: nothing like the demons once confined in his mind; they were clearer than anything he had ever heard before:

" _His only fault was to love too much."_


End file.
